


where i'm bound, i can't tell

by teamfreeawesome



Category: due South
Genre: Angst, Character Death In Dream, M/M, Near Death Experiences (Referenced), True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-15
Updated: 2014-11-15
Packaged: 2018-02-25 12:03:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2621024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teamfreeawesome/pseuds/teamfreeawesome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fraser has learnt the taste of domesticity and love, and knows now, intimately, what it feels like to have someone stay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	where i'm bound, i can't tell

**Author's Note:**

> So, extremely late to the party, but I just discovered due South (thanks, borninthecold). My fic-writing MO is like. Making characters cry. So, it's probably not surprising that I wrote this. The fic is similar to a [series](http://archiveofourown.org/series/146493) of other stories with a similar style, but is in no way actually related to them. My stylistic choices for the fic mean that weird punctuation, run-on sentences and the lack of speech marks are intentional. 
> 
> If you feel this needs any additonal tags, please do let me know. Title taken from "don't think twice, it's alright" by Bob Dylan. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. I'm just playing with them. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated. <3

Ray has slim fingers, fragile, really, and Fraser knows what they feel like on his body. Remembers the taste of them in his mouth and the warmth of Ray’s body at his back. Knows what it feels like to press his knee to Ray’s as they sit on the sofa - and what it feels like to have Diefenbaker at their feet, warm and sleepy as they breathe as a three. Fraser has learnt the taste of domesticity and love, and knows now, intimately, what it feels like to have someone stay.

It’s funny, really. This time he’s the one leaving.

 

//

 

Snow slides over their feet, heavy and deep, and Fraser knows he’s dreaming. It feels warm, and somewhere out there, in reality, Diefenbaker is asleep on his feet. Dief likes to think he doesn’t snore, but Fraser – and Ray, now – know better. Under fluffed up fur, Dief breathes like a lawnmower, and it’s a noise that carries familiarity; affection and warmth.

Here, now, though, it’s Ray and Ben – because he’s Ben in this moment – and they’re sat under layers. Around them, a blanket of snow, topped up by tiny flurries fluttering slowly down from the sky. Ben’s feet are naked, bare and pressed up against Ray’s. Together, they’re cold, toes slowly turning white.

Are they cold, though? Ben doesn’t know. Cold isn’t emptiness - and perhaps this is what they’re feeling; together they feel empty like the landscape never used to. It stretches for miles and miles, unbroken and bleak, and Ray might be here, but he won’t be forever.

Ben might have Ray. It’s clear that Fraser doesn’t.

 

//

 

Fraser doesn’t take Ray as given. He knows better than that. He knows what it’s like to hope and believe, and knows the taste of disappointment when that’s dragged, slowly, from under his feet. He _loves_ Ray; loves him in a way that feels tangible and strong. Diefenbaker likes him too, which is a firmer statement about compatibility than anything Fraser could offer. They’re a family, the three of them, and Diefenbaker doesn’t understand why Fraser wants to leave when they’ve finally found themselves a home.

Fraser doesn’t know how to explain that he has to. He has to, he has to.

 

//

 

I want you to stay, Ray says, and it’s clear that the words have a cost; that they’re taking their toll.

These words, they take effort to say. Fraser and Ray have always told each other everything, really, and the affection that laces every moment and every word is clear, always. Sometimes, though, Ray is pricklier than a thorn - and sometimes, underneath that, he lies like a rabbit, vulnerable, shaking and scared. Fraser knows, now and here, that he could reach out, quick and easy, and snap his neck - because Ray is _letting him_ ; he’s letting him, and Fraser won’t, would never, but somehow he is anyway.

I want you to stay, Ray repeats, and he’s clear, clear, clear – and Fraser’s heartbeat is so loud and so strong and his mouth moves and he says no, he says no, no, no and Ray –

Watching him curl inwards, crumple, Fraser knows that he’s watching him die; he’s watching him die and this time it was Fraser. Fraser shot him, mouth words bullets and Fraser’s shot him. Diefenbaker is barking and barking and barking, but Fraser isn’t listening. He can’t understand, doesn’t understand – what are you saying Dief, what are you saying, Dief, Dief, Dief –

 

//

 

Heartbeats, skin beats and bodies beat, and Ray is warmth under muscle. He’s skin over bone, and Fraser hears each snap like it’s a rifle shot, echo and echo out behind the trees, across the snow – and there’s blood on the white, seeping in, spreading until it’s red; it’s so red against the snow, and Fraser is on his knees. He’s on his knees and he’s begging, but he can’t open his mouth, and Dief is just looking at him; just looking, eyes huge and dark behind the fur. He’s looking and looking and Fraser doesn’t know why he’s not going for help – Diefenbaker, why aren’t you going for help –

And he wakes up, gasping, aching, sweat cold against his flesh – and he’s killing them all here, like this, killing them all –

 

//

 

I loved someone once, Fraser says, and Ray looks up, eyes so big under the hair – spiky like himself – and they’re wide with knowledge that he already has.

I know, he says, mouth tight around the edges. Buddy buddy I know.

He has a pen between his fingers, spinning and spinning – and he’s looking at Fraser like he knows everything, like he can see it all; can see the guilt and the pain and the reason he’s holding on –

I know, he says, and Fraser can’t breathe, here, now.

He doesn’t need saving.

 

//

 

Ray finger-walks up Fraser’s chest, soft, smitten. They’re twined, limbs soft against limbs as they lie in bed – and Ray smells like smoke and beer and suspects, but he smells like Ray too, sweet, under the tongue; sweet, sweet –

He’d resent that, this comparison, perhaps, if Fraser told him. But really, it’s true, it’s true. See, Ray is more breakable than anyone Fraser has ever met. More breakable than snow and death and three days from the end, because, then, everything is strength. Dying is the end, and maybe, maybe, maybe, then everything will be okay.

But here, now, Ray has life and breathes like he loves Fraser. Doesn’t he know that it’s the best way to die, inside, loving Fraser? The best way to end up like nothing; like nothing and with nothing, because Fraser is leaving, now, and he needs this gone, this, him, Ray –

 

//

 

You’re not my Ray, he said right at the start, and maybe that’s the worst thing that he can do.

Dief certainly thinks so. He’s pulling at the edges of his pants; pulling at the edges of Fraser; pulling and growling and Ray is laughing, bright, sweet and asking –

What’s up with him? - Laughter, low, grumbly and sweet. - Dief, he says. Dief, fur-face, what’s up with you? Do you want something? Dief?

He’s smiling, smiling – and Fraser breathes deep, chest filling with air because he’ll _need_ it. This is going to hurt, going to kill someone, and it might just be him – he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know, but Dief does. Diefenbaker; his best friend. His Dief, who is leaving Fraser if he leaves Ray, and Fraser always knew that Dief would one day. Dief chose to stay, and Dief can choose to leave.

You’re not my Ray, Fraser’s hands say, lips say.

He’s enunciating clearly, but it’s obvious that Ray doesn’t understand. His mouth is open, and he looks wild, here. Wild in a way that doesn’t fit Chicago, but doesn’t fit the snow, either.

What, what, he says, like it’s funny; like it hurts, but he’s laughing. What, Fraser, what –

He thinks that Fraser’s being mean; that Fraser is _joking_. But this isn’t about being mean and it isn’t about laughter – it’s about Fraser leaving the way he needs to, the way he wants to. Without Ray.

You, he says, clear, so clear, and it echoes around the apartment. Are not my Ray.

And Ray’s crumpling, mouth falling inwards, eyes filling. Dief howls, loud, loud, but Fraser can’t hear anything but the rushing in his ears.

You weren’t ever my Ray, he whispers. Don’t worry, he continues. You’ll learn to love again –

And it’s final, really, in that moment.

Final.

 

//

 

Fraser is in the snow, and it’s cold. It’s cold, so cold – and Ray is safe.

Safe, warm and home.

(Fraser was never his home).

**Author's Note:**

> Come and find me on [Tumblr](http://teamfreeawesome.tumblr.com), if you would like.


End file.
